I sit here at a coffee shop in Capitol Hill, a neighborhood of Seattle. As I sip my non fat latte and listen to Bob Dylan I am realizing today is probably the first day of the my new life.
{Roy Street Coffe & Tea in Capitol Hill, Seattle, WA}
It’s no surprise that I have been struggling with things lately, and it’s very hard to admit to yourself you’ve hit rock bottom let alone try to explain to your loved ones and friends what you are going through.
As you may notice this is not going to be a jolly fun post but I feel like it is important to sort of vent, because this is my outlet and so far everyone has been super supportive. I want anyone who is in the same place as me that they are not alone and I want to be able to help.
The debilitating anxiety, the painful depression, the sitting in the same place in the same outfit for hours and days on end. Eating until you feel like your going to explode or not eating to a point where your going to pass out, looking at your anti depressant and wondering if it would make any difference if you just took the whole bottle, would anyone miss you? or would they be thankful they don’t have to deal with your moody mood swings and laziness.
It took me some time to decide that I needed to really make a change. What initially made me want to change my life was when I took a look at my life in L.A. and I not only was getting attacked my people in my job I realized I didn’t want to keep doing this job and be here living pay check to pay check at 40. The next reason was because I was near a full on mental breakdown.
Today is different though. Today I want to live. Today I want to lose that weight I have been bitching about to everyone while I eat a whole pizza to myself. I want to be successful. I want to actually make the effort to work towards my dreams rather than be told I’m a dreamer.
Last night I emailed a woman who is a life coach who got back to me right away and I have an appointment next week. I went down to the local camera studio and signed up for my free photography class, I signed up for school so I can finally finish that.
I also decided that I need to leave the house every day for a few hours a day, which brings me here. As I passed through the doors I felt this sudden urge to spring out of the shop and drive home and back into hiding, I felt eyes upon me and of course I jump to the worst. “I shouldn’t be here, I’m to fat to be here, I’m not cool enough, I don’t look cute enough,.”
But I need to remind something 1: What makes me so important that all eyes are on me & 2: Not everyone is an asshole & I have every right to be here.
As I am listening to music I am reminded of some of my favorite songs and lyrics that seem fitting for how I am feeling right now.
Bob Dylan-Like A Rolling Stone
How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?
Creedence Clearwater-Have you ever seen the rain?
Someone told me long ago There’s a calm before the storm,
I know; It’s been comin’ for some time.
When it’s over, so they say, It’ll rain a sunny day,
I know; Shinin’ down like water.
I want to know, Have you ever seen the rain?
I want to know, Have you ever seen the rain
Comin’ down on a sunny day?
Yesterday, and days before, Sun is cold and rain is hard,
I know; Been that way for all my time.
‘Til forever, on it goes Through the circle, fast and slow,
I know; It can’t stop, I wonder.
Hopefully next time this year I will be back in L.A. or some place fabulous and successful and most of all happy.
If you’re struggling with anything feel free to email me at rainandshineseattle@gmail.com and we can chat 
or if you just want to chat in general I am always here!
I promise the next couple posts will be peppy lol and I will keep everyone posted on my growth.
